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The Great Debate: Zoo vs. No Zoo
A fair, balanced and completely impartial hearing. Spoiler: the zoo wins.
Official final score. Counted twice by the meerkats, who stood up for it.
The participants
Meet the speakers
Prof. Dr. Waddle
An emperor penguin in a very small tie. Has lived in a zoo his whole life and has never once paid rent.
Thorben-Malte
Spokesperson, activist, oat-milk enthusiast. Is vegan. Will confirm this shortly, and then again.
The Honourable Judge Giraffe
Tall enough to be above bias. Happens to live at the zoo. The court sees no conflict of interest, mainly because the court is her.
The transcript
Five rounds, word for word
Opening statements
Thorben-Malte · No Zoo
“Animals belong in the wild. Speaking as a vegan, I believe that every creature deserves to live as nature intended.”
Prof. Dr. Waddle · Zoo
“Have you been to the wild? There is no vet. There is no heating. And the catering is each other.”
RulingPoint to the zoo. The court also notes that the word “vegan” was reached in under nine seconds, a new record for this courtroom.
Freedom
Thorben-Malte · No Zoo
“In the wild, animals are free.”
Prof. Dr. Waddle · Zoo
“Free to do what? Be chased? Our lions get room service, a personal doctor and an eighteen-hour nap. That is not captivity. That is a spa with a gift shop.”
RulingPoint to the zoo. Team No Zoo is warned for sighing loudly.
Education
Thorben-Malte · No Zoo
“Children can learn about animals from documentaries.”
Prof. Dr. Waddle · Zoo
“A documentary is a man whispering near a bush. You cannot smell a documentary. The smell is the education.”
“Without zoos, people would believe anything about animals. The Romans thought a giraffe was half camel, half leopard, and called it a camelopard.”
RulingPoint to the zoo. The judge wishes it noted that the camelopard thing is real, that she has heard it before, and that she did not find it funny then either.
Food
Thorben-Malte · No Zoo
“As a vegan, I think it’s important to mention…”
The judge interrupts: “We know. It was in your opening statement, on your name tag, and you brought it up during the fire-safety briefing.”
Prof. Dr. Waddle · Zoo
“Half this zoo is vegan. The gorilla is vegan. The elephant is vegan. The rhino is vegan and weighs two tonnes. The difference is that not one of them has ever brought it up.”
“We did offer the lion a tofu steak. The lion looked at the tofu. The lion looked at the zookeeper. We no longer offer the lion tofu.”
RulingPoint to the zoo. Speaking as someone who has eaten nothing but leaves for eleven million years and does not have a podcast about it, the judge found this round especially convincing.
Closing statements
Thorben-Malte · No Zoo
“In conclusion, the zoo should be closed and replaced with something that helps everybody: a community quinoa field with a drum circle on Thursdays.”
Prof. Dr. Waddle · Zoo
The penguin waddles to the microphone. He clears his throat. He falls over.
Standing ovation. Two members of the jury are crying. One of them is a capybara, and he never shows emotion.
Click the penguin for an action replay.
RulingPoint to the zoo. No further questions.
The verdict
The zoo wins, 5–0.
After deliberating for as long as it takes to eat a branch, Judge Giraffe ruled unanimously, being the only judge, in favour of the zoo.
Team No Zoo has announced an appeal. It will be made loudly, at a dinner party near you, shortly after someone asks what’s in the lasagne.
Case closedThe people’s vote
Not convinced? Cast your own vote.
This is a free and fair election, supervised by meerkats.
Intermission
Vegan jokes, served without cheese
How do you know if someone is vegan?
Don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken.
Why are vegan jokes so hard to write?
There’s no meat to them, and they’re never cheesy.
My friend went vegan last year.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What does a vegan zombie want?
Graaaaains.
A vegan walks into a bar.
I know, because he told everybody within two minutes.
I’d tell you my joke about oat milk.
But honestly it’s a bit watery.
What did the vegan say at the zoo?
“I’m vegan.” Same as everywhere else.
Enjoyed these? There is a whole page of this: Why You Should Be Vegan.
In fairness
A short moment of honesty
Whether zoos are good for animals is a real debate, with real arguments on both sides about welfare and conservation. This was not that debate. This debate was judged by a giraffe and won by a penguin falling over.